A Ministry in the Boston Area Offering Hope for
Change to Those Who Struggle with Same-Sex
Attraction.
This is an excerpt from a much larger story - of how came to be who I am today. It's quite an adventure story, telling of a relentless pursuit - how God chose to reveal Himself to me in a big way, or even when I chose to pay attention. Since Psalm 139 says that God created my inmost being, and He knit me together in my mother's womb, His unrelenting pursuit of me began before I even saw daylight. Here is my story. I pray that it encourages you, and rings true in your heart.
I spent almost every Sunday of my young life going to church. My family went to liberal, Protestant churches where we were faithful members of various choirs and committees. I've always believed in God, but at that time it had no effect on my life. I, like many, cried out to God in times of trouble, wondering why He didn't rescue me from the difficult life I was living. And a difficult life it was - though I fully recognize that my story is not unique. I hear stories like mine all the time. Suffice it to say that by the time I was in high school, I lacked some very necessary life skills. I was not one of the "popular" kids. I never wore the right clothes, I never said the right things, and I didn't have the right friends. My parents were getting divorced, and my mother had been arrested for drunk driving.
It was around this time that I realized I was a lesbian. I was 15 and had fallen in love with my best friend. Looking back, I see many other signs and red flags; I see now I had my first lesbian experience at age 8, and many more after that until I ready to see what was really going on.
Before my relationship with my best friend became physical, it was already unhealthy. When we began to act out our attraction physically, I became totally dependent on her - I found my self-worth in our relationship, so if things weren't going well, then I wasn't well. I had no understanding of what it meant to have emotions; therefore, I had never learned constructive ways of dealing with them. I began to be very self-destructive. I "self-injured", as we call it in pop culture, by cutting myself with any sharp objects I could get my hands on, banging my head and my fists against walls and floors, and pulverized myself with heavy objects. I also started having eating problems at age 14, and by the end of high school, I had a full-blown eating disorder.
Somehow, through this all, I managed to graduate from high school intact, and went to a nearby university. My girlfriend and I broke up during my first semester of college, ending a three-and-a-half year relationship. I dropped out after two years because I wasn't receiving the specialized training that I desired in my field, which was and still is music. I also dropped out because I entered into a long distance relationship with a married woman, and I wanted to move to be closer to her. I moved across the country to live with her and her husband. For some reason, her husband said it didn’t bother him to discover his wife was bisexual. He also claimed it didn’t bother him to have me move in because I was satisfying some need he couldn’t meet. She and I even had a mock wedding ceremony where she gave me a wedding band that I wore on my left hand. From then on, she introduced me to people as her “wife”. She later gave me a diamond ring as well that had been her grandmother’s. I now can see how unhealthy the situation really was. I lived with them for close to two and a half years. It was during this time that I became even more involved with the gay community. I spoke out for gay rights, voted for Clinton and had a party when he was elected, frequented gay bars, and just embraced my identity as a lesbian. I even became engaged to a gay man. We decided we would marry to be companions as soon as I finished college, but I would continue to be in a relationship with my “wife”. After two and a half years, we decided it would best for me to continue my schooling, so I moved to Boston to attend a prestigious music school, the same school my “wife” had graduated from.
When I arrived in Boston, I contacted a friend of ours who was a minister, and asked him if there were any “Open & Affirming” churches in the area. He referred me to a church in the Copley area that was led by 2 gay ministers. During this time, my struggle with food to continued to become worse and worse. I was also very depressed – about my eating disorder, about life in general, and about being so far away from my “wife”. I lost about 35 pounds my first year in Boston, and it became very clear to those around me that I was very sick.
In September of my second year in Boston, people around me began to influence me greatly. Many people were shocked by my appearance, and would often comment, or make drastic statements. Some people said helpful things, like a friend of mine, Stephannie. Sitting in Dunkin Donuts one day, she said, "I'm a Christian. I don't know if you knew that already. I don't know if I can help, but I'll pray for you." I found out later that many people were praying for me during that time. At some point, I even started praying for myself.
What amazes me is how much I was changing during this time. God was cultivating a heart in me for Him, and I was completely unaware. I'm so grateful that I have some old e-mails, etc. that I can look back on and notice the change in myself. Here's an example of something I wrote to my friend Patty on Sept. 12: "I may finally have the strength to turn to God for help. I've been turning away from God because on a very large level, I want to stay sick so that I don't have to deal with the real issues here. Well, it's strange because there have been some very influential Christians in my life lately - Rob, and a friend of mine, Stephannie. I think their prayers have really touched me somehow. Though I haven't been able to pray for myself, the fact that I consider it even to be an option is a big step from where I've been."
My journal entries from this time also shed a lot of light on how God was working in my life. Though my words are a sad reminder to me of a life that isn't that far behind me, they also show small signs of light in a time of deep darkness. Soon after in intensely philosophical talk with a friend in early October, my "new-found spirituality", as I called it, began to develop. I had always had a strong belief in God's existence, so prayer wasn't a foreign concept to me. I fought hard to suppress it, though. A huge part of me never wanted to get better because the only outcome of getting better was gaining weight, at least in my mind. And why would I want to do that? So I continued on my destructive path for a little longer.
To make a really long story just a little shorter, one day, I had a sort of awakening. I was in L.A. at the end of December, visiting a friend. I was walking down the street, and I said to myself, "I could live the rest of my life like this." Minutes later, I was so overcome by pain that I almost fell to the ground on a busy L.A. street. This was not uncommon for me, but something within me connected my recent thought with the physical trauma my body was going through. That's when I knew something was seriously wrong. Not only would I not be alive for long if I continued with my behavior, I had convinced myself that what I was doing was OK. I was in trouble.
Within a few days, I came back to Boston. And this is when it starts to blur. One night I was listening to some Christian music, and the words of the songs gripped my heart. I was all alone, and my heart was so hard. The voice sang of a friend who was always there, with every tear cried, a friend who would give everything for him. It was a gift that he could receive in his heart, a gift that would give him a new start. And I knew that was the truth. The words of the song spoke directly to me. I couldn't believe that such a love was possible, that someone could love me so much as to make that great of a sacrifice. And it broke my heart. All my life, I never felt loved, no matter what I did. I'm a singer, and even when I was praised for a performance, I still felt empty. Even when I was loved by a friend or lover, I was still empty. No one could have possibly loved me enough. I had a bottomless well - a never-ending ache inside of me that I tried to fill with love, people, things, goals, thinness - but nothing dulled the pain for long. I remember falling forward, sobbing uncontrollably because the pain in my heart was so great. It wasn't a typical kind of pain; I was being filled with love, and it hurt. It tore me apart to release all of my "self-control", everything that I gripped so tightly, that I held on to for dear life, to Jesus. In my eyes, I was unworthy of anyone's love, especially God's. I had done nothing to deserve this kind of gift. But in God's eyes, I am His beautiful creation, perfectly made and perfectly loved. He was just patiently waiting for me to admit that I needed Him.
Almost immediately after deciding to follow Jesus, I was convicted that living as a lesbian was not acceptable to God. I was not in a lesbian relationship at the time, as my “wife” and I had broken up 6 months before. A few months later, I told a Christian woman about my conviction, and asked her to show me any Bible verses on the topic. What I read in the Bible only strengthened my resolve – I could not be with a woman sexually and follow Jesus. This was easy at first. I was so in love with God that I didn’t want anything else.
About 9 months after becoming a Christian, I met a girl who had been raised in a Christian home, but because of a family tragedy, her whole family had walked away from God. As a new Christian, I couldn’t fathom how anyone could do that, and I wanted to help her in any way I could. Unfortunately, our relationship did not remain pure for very long. We soon became involved in a physical relationship.
During the 3 months we were together, I knew I shouldn’t be doing what we were doing. In fact, every time we’d try to do something physical, my entire body would shake. I can now recognize that this was the Holy Spirit inside of me warring against my “flesh” – my sinful nature and desire to sin. I started having severe stomach problems during this time – another sign of the anxious fight going on within me. But I didn’t feel that I could end it. It was my “last chance”, my last fling before I would begin what could very well be a celibate life. Even the girl I was with knew I shouldn’t be living this way. After 3 months, she said to me, “Listen – you can’t be a Christian and be gay. The Bible says you must either be hot or cold – one or the other, but not both.” She was quoting Scripture to me! And with that, she ended our relationship.
Soon after, I just threw my arms up into the air and said, “Fine, God! I don’t want this. Please - take these desires away from me.” And He basically did. It wasn’t that I stopped being attracted to women; that wasn’t the case. But I no longer even allowed myself to entertain the thought of being with a woman. If I wanted to follow Jesus, it just wasn’t an option.
I also knew I didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life. So, I started praying about that. I prayed that God would bring a man into my life that would love me, despite what I had been. I prayed that God would put in me an attraction for men. In the meantime, I decided it was my job to actively pursue a relationship with a man. It didn’t matter whether I felt an attraction to him or not. I didn’t want to be single, and I couldn’t be a lesbian; therefore, the choice was clear to me – it’s a man or nothing.
Within a few months, I met Roy. We had met through a college campus ministry that had groups on both of our campuses. One night on the phone, I let it slip that I used to be a lesbian. I was so mad at myself for not being more careful, sure that I had pushed Roy away (we were just friends at the time). Roy didn’t actually seem phased by it. I had also begun reading books that could help me understand the homosexual struggle and need for same-sex non-physical intimacy. That summer, I wrote this entry in my journal: “God, I look up at the dark night sky, and think I can actually see You to talk to You. I believe You’re there, and I feel You so close. I look up, and I want to share it with someone. I want to sit on my back porch and cry with my husband about how beautiful You are. I think I know who that person is. Maybe I’m way off-base, but I feel like I met him already.“ Roy & I continued to be friends for 5 months, at which time we began dating. It wasn’t always an easy relationship. Beside the fact that I had been a lesbian, we were at very different places in our lives. Through the difficult time, I held on to what I believed I had heard from God: that I would marry Roy.
And gradually, my attraction to him grew. When we first became friends, I was instantly drawn to his strong faith, his spontaneity, his free spirit and love for life. I thought he looked fine. He was cute, but I had never had a strong attraction to a man before. As we grew to know each other, I became more and more aware of my physical attraction to him. I can see that my lack of physical attraction to men in general was due to a fear of men that I had. I was repeatedly sexually abused as an adult by a man, and I believe I was protecting myself from future abuse by suppressing any physical attraction I might have. As I learned more about Roy, as I grew to trust him, and as I recognized that he wouldn’t hurt me, my natural physical attraction was allowed to surface without fear.
On December 14th, 2002, Roy & I became man and wife. And what a glorious ride it’s been since then! Married life has its challenges, but never do I doubt for a minute that I made the right decision. In marriage, I experience a joy and a peace that I never had before in my many lesbian relationships. I know that no matter what challenges come my way, I’ve got God on my side to help me, strengthen me and hold me up. Nothing is too big for me to handle with Him.